I do it to myself. And it’s not that I am complaining right now… actually I think my schedule is really easy compared to how it has been. There’s just a lot going on all the time. I am always busy… but this is a good thing in my life. Some people don’t understand my failure to say “NO” when someone asks me if I want to be involved with something. Now, to be fair I have said no to some things… I have realized I am human and I need to be able to breathe… but there’s still a lot going on.

I was talking to some girlfriends about this last night, I was talking about how tired and worn out I feel. They told me I look exhausted. And I am. The heat in this town doesn’t help either. A week of 100+ weather… that’ll key down any hyper active being! But still, there is a lot that I have going on. The play, the Scream Team, Rogue happenings that is not to the level of usual proportions, the play… LOL… you catch the trend? A lot of my time is focused around theatre and the bettering of myself and helping those around me. I work at it a lot. I love it. I am rewarded by my experience all the time. It’s just that it takes a lot of time.

I intentionally busy myself in order to keep myself busy. I have to be doing something. This isn’t something new or even a trend that’s a few years old. I’ve been like this since birth. I was a wiggle worm and I still am. I could barely sit still long enough to get my hair cut let alone through a church service. I have lived with it for so long I’m immune to the annoying foot tapping or finger playing on the desk… I don’t even realize i am doing it. There have been a few times I’ve tried to empty my calender and only work. I cleared my social obligations, didn’t do a new show, stayed aloof and in the dark and I discovered what happens when a hyper active person gets solitary… I become extremely self destructive. My mind goes nuts and I act out. When I’m bored there is this part of me that surfaces on a minor scale. I’ve seen it get really bad… maybe I should name her… suggestions?? But this is why I stay busy. This is why I constantly engage my brain to a thought process or brainstorm. I need it. I feed off of it. It help my brain space and mental health.

So yeah… is this normal or healthy?? No, I don’t think so. But am I going to go into therapy and try to solve it?? No, not right now. I don’t see it as a deterrent right now. I am getting things done and I am staying healthy. I’m not under weight anymore, my relationships are flourishing, I’m not self destructing… and hey, even my body image is getting better… Sure I’m tired, sure I need a lazy day where I just hang out and chill for a while… but then I have a book and/or movies to keep me engaged and in the safe zone.

Yeah… this is a stream of conscious entry… I’m not really thinking too much about what exactly I’m writing about… I’m just kinda writing. And I’m not planning on editing it very much. Some spelling sure… I always read my posts obsessively over and over to make sure they are ok. But hell… I’m only talking about myself in this one so I’m the only one that could be pissed off that the information is written down. 😛

Happy Hump Day and I’ll post more later.

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