…and this is usually what happens when I am focused on projects I have in the works. When I am so busy I barely have time to stop and breathe and I forget that my friends aren’t waiting around for me to finish up. They have lives of their own and they live them how they see fit. It’s just weird to experience the watching of your friends’ lives unfold and realize you are not a part of it. This is what happens every time I am doing a show and the show is in crunch time, this happens during the Rogue Festival, this will undoubtedly happen again. It’s how we learn to deal with the falling away, letting go of the need to control every situation and every atmosphere around you. It’s not that your friends are intentionally moving on with their lives to spite you, it’s that your life is different than their life and you are on different paths. This is actually a good thing, this is probably why you are friends. It’s hard not to feel left behind… but when you are feeling this way, you must remember that you did this to yourself. You placed yourself in this situation, you chose to audition for a show, you chose to accept the role, you chose to take on as much as you have… it is you to blame. (not that I was trying to blame someone else…).
I am tired. I am tired because I’ve been burning the candle at both ends. I am tired because I’ve been running away from myself, not dealing with the issues I should be dealing with. I am tired because no matter how much affirmation I get I still think that I am not doing enough. It’s time to slow down and prioritize my life. There’s some shows and commitments I need to take care of first, but nothing new… I don’t want to take on anything new. I want to be rid of debt so I can get more debt in taking out a student loan. I want to go back to school. I want my car paid off. I want the freedom to be able to share my life with my significant other and not feel like I am neglecting him. I want to learn how to relax. It won’t be easy. Whenever I see a problem I think that I can offer the solution, the best solution… if you want it done right, you better do it yourself… it’s time for someone else to take the reigns and it’s time for me to live my life and straighten myself out.
Self centered… maybe.
Control Freak, manipulative, obsessive, over dramatic… definitely.
It’s time to re-balance myself again, redefine myself again… I’m not the snot nosed teenager anymore and I can’t get away with it by smiling. Adulthood is here and it’s time for me to cross the threshold… sure there’s still fun to be had… but it’s also time to grow up.