Da Count – People that I love Friday, Mar 28 2008 

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I am truly blessed to have a few friends in my life that are wonderous in knowing just what I need and when I need it. Yesterday, a certain bar fiend absolutely made my day and I realized how lucky I am to have him in my life. Through his patience and compassion I’ve been able to reach the threshold of the rest of my life on a path I never thought myself to be on.

THE JELLY BEARS!!!!

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And my best friend, Michelle… I love this woman… she’s the sister I never had… but she’s opening a show tonight and I can’t wait to see it! BREAK A LEG!!!! If you’re in the Fresno area, won’t you come along??? She is my Jelly bear and there is no other woman that can match my energy levels! Haha! we are cut from the same cloth and she’s been working so hard, reaching for the next step and now that she’s there I couldn’t be more proud of my friend!

“LEAR” – promo video from Marcel Nunis on Vimeo.

So my count today is for 2 people that have effected my life. I am thankful for them both!

XOXO!

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The Ego and the Hitman… Wednesday, Mar 26 2008 

I’ve been sick lately, banishing me to the couch and allowing me to get caught up on my movies. I’ve seen a few over the past few days and the two that have stuck with me are HITMAN and REVOLVER.

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HITMAN is a movie based on a video game. With the recent successes of the Resident Evil movies this seems like a safe bet for movie producers. I actually really enjoyed this movie, although I’ve never played the game before. I had no idea what the movie was about or what the objective of the game was, this movie actually answered all the questions and made a non-gamer like myself understand what was going on. There are twists and turns in the film (no spoilers here!) and there was aspects of predictability. An action film with all the right ingredients. There’s just something about a man with a shaved head and a barcode tattooed on the back of his head. 😉

The second movie, REVOLVER was quite interesting. Guy Ritchie’s movie, which was released in 2005, but is new to us here in the States.

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A movie I got because (1) I love Jason Stathum, (2) Ray Liotta makes me laugh because he’s either really good or really bad, and (3) I’m really beginning to enjoy Guy Ritchie’s movies (Snatch is a favorite). I realized last night when I put the DVD in that I hadn’t even read the back of the movie jacket. I had NO idea what this movie was about. Coming into it blind was a good and bad thing. It was good because I was able to not have any preconceived notions about the movie (other than the actors and the director appreciation) but it was bad because I was playing catch up. To be honest, I didn’t understand the subtext/symbolism to the movie until the final credits and the psychologists were talking. Without giving too much away, I can say this movie is about our EGO and how we are either the victim or the opponent in the game of life, it’s knowing when you’re the victim so you can become the opponent. Chess plays a symbolistic part in this movie and there’s a surprisingly amazing performance dolled out by OutKast’s Andre Benjamin.

This movie actually made me think, it made me wonder what role I was playing in my own game of life… am I the victim or am I the opponent? Is it my ego that rules me or do I rule my ego? All very interesting concepts to ponder over. I’ve become very interested in the whole idea of ego because of it and how/why it rules us or we rule it. I’m sure I’ll be talking about it more after I read up on some stuff, so I’ll leave you with the first rule (according to the movie) in playing any game:

YOU CAN ONLY GET SMARTER BUY PLAYING A SMARTER OPPONENT.

I put on my social mask Monday, Mar 24 2008 

and went to church on Easter Sunday. I have not been to church in almost 3 years I’d say. It was a personal choice I made and one I’m still analyzing. I went to church not just because my father asked me to, he’s asked me to go to church with him for the last 3 years, but because my Grandma is in town and I will drop everything to spend time with her. She’s getting older and looking more frail and I want her to know that I appreciate the matriarch she has been to our family. 

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You see, my father was a minister at the church we went to on Sunday. I grew up being a Pastor’s Kid (PK) and learned to live with the reputation my father’s job placed on me. I’ll tell people that my father was a minister and their usual response is: “Oh, that explains a lot…”

Why? Why does that explain a lot? I’ve always struggled with the social stigma PK’s get. We are the rebellious ones. I mean sure we tend to go off the deep end sometimes, but what teenaged female doesn’t? My response to people is, “I’m not overly rebellious, it’s just that you expect me to behave so much better than everyone else.” And that’s true. People don’t realize that they are placing social expectations on children because of their parents. This isn’t just something that’s going on with a community and the PK’s, this is something that’s applied to all children. I could really talk about this for a long time, hell I have talked about this for a long time… but this is on my mind because of Sunday.

I got off work Sunday morning at 3am. I went to bed and woke up around 9:30 am. I got up and decided to dress appropriately for an Easter Sunday church service. I wore a wrap dress, stiletto heels and did my hair in an up-do… well it was appropriate compared to what I wanted to wear, PJ’s baby! I walked to the cafeteria (yes, my father started a church and they meet at a school) and my father introduced me to those I didn’t know. It was priceless, the looks on peoples’ faces when they heard my father had a daughter. My younger brother plays in the worship band and my older brother is often talked about because he’s married and has 2 sons. All I do is work and perform on stage… not exactly the stuff to brag about in my father’s eyes. I saw people I haven’t seen in years and they were all smiles and wondering what I was up to. Rogue, theatre, Tale End performing in San Francisco and working 2 jobs was my canned answer… they were all impressed. And then they remembered they heard me on the Ray Appleton show talking about ‘something performance or whatever’ and the proud gleam in their eye sparkled. I had to laugh.

These people watched me grow up. These people helped raise me. These people watched as I went into rebellion head first and didn’t look back. These people are still wanting me to come back and be the good little christian girl I was raised to be. These people really don’t understand who the real me is at all.

And of course they wouldn’t ever have the chance to. I have a social mask I’ve learned to wear since birth. I’ve know what I was supposed to say, how I was supposed to act/dress and I heard about what was exprected of me every week. I was a role model for the other kids my age, and ended up being resented for it. The pain and loneliness was very hard to cope with.

This is why I can be in a crowded room and feel like I am all alone.

I found myself slipping back into old habits. I felt good about myself for being able to report that my life wasn’t crap and I was working very hard and that I had found my niche. Hell I was spouting about how I’m going to go back to school for my PR degree. Am I thinking about it? Sure… but the fact is, I talked about it because is made me sound like I was on the right track. I still care about their good opinion. I still know how to posture myself into their mold.

Sunday, I reverted back to when I was 11 years old and everyone was happy and proud of me.

Old habits die hard…

old wounds still hurt even after they have healed…

I need to get out from under this rock and stand up for myself…

Happy Easter. 😛

Friday, Mar 21 2008 

 
 
LOL… I don’t thin kthis thing is very accurate… but it’s funny as hell! You try! 

Da Count – Da New Beginning Friday, Mar 21 2008 

Well, here we are. I’m back, and I have a lot to talk about. I have seen the blogger world that I once knew and embraced change, as is natural to do, and I’ve realized that I too have changed since I last wrote down what I was thinking about. Am I going to be a faithful blogger, who knows… but I need the outlet again I think it’ll be cool. 🙂

Da Count is something new to my blogging experience and I think it’s brilliant! So I’m going to Count those blogger friends of mine that are still around, the blogger friends that have since moved on but still made an impact, and the future new blogger friends I’ll make while learning the ins and outs of this new format.

And thank you for those of you that have encouraged me along the way! 😉

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PS: I’m So stoked I figured out how to do this linky thingy! I’m a technological idiot! Hahahahahaha!  Yay ! 😀

Preview to the Grand Opening Thursday, Mar 20 2008 

I’ll be making changes as I can and working on other stuffs…

Heeheehee